While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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