did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
