Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
