Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
