dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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