yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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