life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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