Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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