Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
