I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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