I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
