I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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