My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
