when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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