Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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