Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
