shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
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