so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
