What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
