Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
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Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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