i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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