im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
