i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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