You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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