I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Tornado booty call.. dedication
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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