dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
