If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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