I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
