God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
