didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
