She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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