Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
