Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
