whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
