He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My cat gives me a boner
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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