I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
