This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
