It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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