Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
