The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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