No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
