Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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