the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
