So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
