Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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