I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
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For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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