apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
