Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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