Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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