My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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