i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
