WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
