So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Buhtt sex?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
